Thursday, August 19, 2004

new blog

i want a blog that other people don't read so if you are stumbling on this then don't worry about coming back. with other blogs that my friends read i tend to write what i think they might want to read. i don't always write my real feelings. i want to do that here.... so don't feel like you have to read my blog... if you really want to for some reason then go ahead... if you are a stalker i am not letting out any info that will help you. so... first of all i think it is unfair for me to unload my problems on my friends because they shouldn't have to listen to me or help me. i know they will, but they don't have to. if my family was less screwed up i could tell my mom. i am too afraid to tell her anything. i don't know what her reaction would be. so i will spill my feelings here and possibly read them and figure out my own problems. i can make sense of things if i just think about them logically and can sort my feelings out and not have them jumbled together. ~~right now i feel like things with tony are not going well. he doesn't know it because i haven't told him. no one else will know it. things i write here will stay here. if there is something i don't want people to know it will go here. i know what changed between us, only tony prolly more than likely doesn't see that as a problem at all. he wants it to continue and i know it. it won't though. it's going to change because i am not even gonna let him do anything close to what he wants anymore. things are going to change more than he ever thought. only he doesn't know it yet. i've been grouchy a lot lately and it's not because of pms. it's because i think too much and it makes me upset. i just wanna be held by tony all the time... but just thinking of that makes me mad because he doesn't want to just hold me. that makes me so upset. a lot of things about him bug me. he acts like he has to be around me all the time or he'll die. but when he is doing something with his friends then i am the last thing on the earth. when i want to do something with my friends he gives me the guilt trip---maybe he's not trying to giult trip me but it seems that way. he says that he will miss me and wishes he could see me but that i don't see my friends much so it's ok... but he uses that sad voice so i feel bad even though he says it's ok. i was talking to him on the phone while talking to tasha online. she invited me to go to bird lake with her on saturday and then tony was like "well, saturday is the last day we can see each other before school starts" he somehow thinks that when school starts we will never see each other again. ugh! and he only thought about saturday after somebody else asked me to do something. he never asks ahead of time... he just assumes i will leave my whole life open to do what he wants to do. no! i'm not going to! uh! and it's not that he's a jerk... i've never thought that ever. i love him. i love him a whole lot. i see myself with him in the future... but sometimes i wish he would just stop being such a guy about everything. yes, that was a derogatory term about how guys can be sometimes... my bad... but i'm not exactly happy right now and guys are stubborn and oblivious to what a girl thinks sometimes. i'm not going to break up with him or anything. maybe i will talk to him about this... and maybe i won't. i generally don't because the only time i think about stuff like this is when we're talking on the phone... and then i don't tell him, i just stay quiet because i don't think it's something to discuss over the phone. then when i see him in person i forget all about it. maybe i will remember. prolly not... oh well... i'm off to buy a hello kitty watch now. fare well.